So I’m an awful person.
I haven’t posted in a million years. Surprisingly, when you’re working seven nights a week to summarize the very essence of yourself in less than two double-spaced pages, chain smoking like a 1960’s father-to-be in the maternity ward and lubricating your typing fingers with rum and coke . . . Surprisingly, you don’t feel like writing more afterwards, even recreationally.
Applications are finished, but then there were the holidays, and I’ve been so busy besides that. I’m: volunteering one night a week at Choices Memphis; rehearsing for the Vagina Monologues; trying to settle in my newly-adopted and very needy cats, Peter Nincompoop and Mr. Bitey; training for 5K with the SO; trying to work in my own long runs and hit the gym to lift a few times a week; cooking healthy, delicious food for dinner; having Monday-fun-days with the SO and friends at Bardog; and trying to keep up with the piano practice. Oh, and I work.
Yesterday I told the SO from the shower, and I’ll tell anyone reading now:
It seems like I’ve done a lot of waiting around. It’s sometimes frustrating to realize how MUCH waiting we do. I waited to get out of high school so I could get into college, waited to get out of college to get into law school. I’ll get out of law school, wait for a job, wait for a promotion, wait for a new job, wait to afford a house, blah, blah.
I’m really grateful for this period in my life, likely brought on by the opportunity to take a “gap year” and slow down. I’m not waiting for anything. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to start law school, but I don’t necessarily want it to come any faster than it will. It might be the millionth or billionth iteration of the tired old hippy dictum to “live in the now,” but tired or not, I am doing it. And it’s great.
I always wanted to volunteer, wanted to learn piano, wanted to walk to a local grocery store for my produce, work out more, have regular bar nights with good friends, spend more time with the SO. Over a year ago, we were taking about how fun it would be if I came to Memphis, if I got a job with the DA or the PD, and we could have lunch together downtown. We do that! I did it. I’m doing that! I’m doing all of those things.
I’m willing to trade them in when the time comes. I also want to live in a big city where I can take a subway and live in a tiny apartment. I want to go to interesting classes and learn and make new friends and study in a quiet-enough-to-hear-a-pin-drop library. I look forward to new successes and all the rest of these things . . . But I don’t anticipate them to the exclusion of fully enjoying where I am right now.
I hope that I can carry this with me into law school. I hope I don’t find myself waiting for the weekend or winter break or the end of law school very often. I’m sure there will be times that I enthusiastically anticipate visits home, but I hope it isn’t to the exclusion of appreciation for the amazing time of life that I’m in and the amazing opportunity that law school is.
I also hope that, going forward, I’ll have courage enough to recognize when I’m doing too much waiting around, and make big changes. Dropping a class or quitting a job, maybe. I’ve done a lot of work to try and be sure that law school at-large will not be one such situation, but if, despite my best efforts, I find that all in looking forward to its the finish line, I hope I’ll cut my losses. Life’s too short, and now is too fun.